It is one of the worst days of your life when the nightmare finally becomes undeniable: your children have no heart, no compassion, and no interest in the truth. Until that moment, you keep trying to excuse their refusal to communicate with you or even allow you to follow them on social media. You blame the vindictive parent they lived with, or perhaps their young age. And every single day, you think about your missing children, hoping for a miracle — a phone call, an email, even a postcard.
I hate to disappoint you, but that miracle will probably never come.
When they graduate from university and become adults, the story changes.
You confront a brutal realization: your adult children have no morals, no self-awareness, and no desire to understand what really happened. They become self‑absorbed, selfish individuals — damaged individuals — shaped by the nightmare of parental alienation syndrome, first documented by child psychiatrist Richard A. Gardner. He wrote extensively about it, though feminists immediately attacked his research because most PAS offenders were women.
The hypocrisy of the parent they lived with becomes part of their own personality. They learn selfishness to the extreme. They learn not to feel compassion for another human being. Just like their mother — or their mother’s mother. They become deeply damaged individuals. And yes, it hurts, especially at first.
The greatest irony is that they believe their entire lives will be sheltered by their despotic, unstable mother, just as they were during their early school years. What a mistake.
Their refusal to learn why their father was missing from their lives — their willful ignorance — will cost them dearly. No employer or true friend will tolerate someone who behaves like a mindless robot, even if they try to hide their empty soul behind fake smiles. The feeling of abandonment will grow with the years. And who would want to tie their life to heartless robots like these children? Not everyone is as gullible as their father, who married Ms. Dracula despite the warning signs screaming at him to run — even the day before the wedding.
Do you remember the scene in The Man with Two Brains when Steve Martin begs for a sign from his dead wife? Funny in the movie. Not so funny in real life. You pay for your willful blindness later, and the price is steep.
After 21 years, 3 months, and 15 days, you finally learn what you suspected all along — and what Dr. Gardner wrote long before you became a victim: you are screwed. And so are your children. The “system” that was supposed to protect you and them failed miserably. You cannot hold anyone accountable. Sometimes you wonder whether hiring someone privately to “deal with the problem” would have been quicker, final, and cheaper.
But you were raised with faith, rules, and Catholic guilt — reinforced by weekly Mass — and it shaped your psyche. Your children, however, were “freed” from such inconveniences. Their mother and grandmother never lived by those values, as their lives clearly proved.
I wrote this on the eve of New Year 2020 in the hope that you, the abandoned parent, might be spared some hurt and disappointment. Bureaucrats — overpaid for their mediocrity — will not help you. They pretend to care from Monday to Friday until your petition is rejected by some heartless judge overseas. And even when a judge supports your claim, others will do everything possible to obstruct its execution. Presidents won’t help you. Prosecutors will threaten you with charges of “slander.” And the main reason for the abduction — child support — will be enforced both in the kidnapper’s country and often in your own.
And as for Amelia and Daniel…
I have a few words of advice:
- Education is not knowledge.
- Knowledge is not experience.
- Experience is not wisdom.
- Empty smiles are not proof of friendship or loyalty.
- Hiding something important from your spouse or parent is a lie.
If you refuse to question life — everything and everyone around you — you are an empty suit. You have no integrity when you refuse to do what is right, even when it brings pain. Anyone with true character who discovers this about you will drop you from their circle. That will be one of the worst days of your life. And those who don’t drop you? They are even bigger losers than the ones you are becoming.
Don’t expect respect or support in times of need if you haven’t earned it.
Nobody but you should be asking the hard questions:
- Why were you deprived of a relationship with your parent for over 21 years?
- Why did she refuse to let you have even a lunch with him when he was in Poland?
- Why didn’t you ask these basic questions? Even a small child would.
- Do the stories about him make sense?
- Are there inconsistencies?
- Why have you failed to notice them?
- Too difficult?
- Did 14 years of schooling teach you nothing?
Your mother will not give you an honest answer. She once told me, without hesitation: “I am absolutely blameless.” (Nie mam sobie absolutnie NIC do zarzucenia!)
What a spotless soul she imagines herself to be.
Amelia
I managed to capture a few of your Instagram photos. It was disappointing to see someone claiming to be Catholic, someone who attended a prayer event with the Pope at Campus Misericordiae, praying for mercy for the world — except for your own parent or your ailing grandmother.
It doesn’t hurt me anymore. You and Daniel simply disappointed me — and likely many of your true friends, if you have any. Singing religious songs without reflection, no matter how beautiful your voice is, is sad. Headscarves won’t cover hypocrisy.
The meeting with Pope Francis was an extraordinary event with an extraordinary message. How many young people missed it? You and Daniel certainly did. I hope you listen again. It was a moment for true reflection.
Final Thought
You are adults now. Nobody but you is responsible for how you act.
As my late boss once told me — very bluntly — after a minor communication mistake:
“Bogdan, I don’t need your f…ing excuses. I need results.” — Jack K.
I never messed up again. I took his words to heart. It became a matter of honor. It protected him, and it protected me. It earned me true friends throughout my life. I didn’t get angry. I listened. I accepted the criticism.
I leave you with the same message. It applies to both of you perfectly.
Your always loving — Father.